


May I Hold You

by siscon



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Eating Disorders, Fear of Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscarriage, Near Death, Not Canon Compliant, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses, Trans Eric "Bitty" Bittle, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22305769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siscon/pseuds/siscon
Summary: Bitty can't even begin to count the amount of times Jack had saved him, intentionally and unintentionally.Lots of heavy stuff, but also really sweet fluff. References my other Zimbits fic "Celeste"
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Kudos: 24





	May I Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> okay so uhh sorry not sorry this is for my boyfriend because tomorrow is our seven month anniversary and thats the longest ive been in a relationship literally ever and also hes the only person ive ever dated who isnt abusive and doesnt abuse me and actually is one of literally five people in my life who isnt abusive or awful to me. hes the jack to my bitty so!!
> 
> i love you kenny! mwah mwah!
> 
> also jack plays guitar for no reason literally other than i decided i want him to
> 
> feel like i should also mention literally none of this follows canon, i kinda just based a lot of it off my life
> 
> song is may i by trading yesterday

Bitty could never forget how horrific being suicidal felt. It wasn't really a feeling that ever wholly went away, but at the peaks of it, where he was certain he couldn't make it through the night, where the pain was too much to bear and he felt like it would tear him apart; he could never forget how awful it felt. The paralyzing, debilitating agony that came with wanting to end your life with every fiber of your being isn't something that leaves your mind easily. It's not something you ever forget.

And thinking back to those nights, there was one constant that kept him here every time.

Jack, scooping Bitty into his arms. Cradling him. Occassionally managing to hold a guitar with Bitty between him and the guitar (which proved to be a task every time, but also a task made easier with how small Bitty was) and strumming it lazily until Bitty fell asleep.

_There you stand, opened heart, opened doors_  
_Full of life with a world that's wanting more_  
_But I can see when the lights start to fade_  
_The day is done and your smile has gone away_

Bitty also thought of the times where he was terrified of not waking up in the morning. Terrified of how sick he was and at how real the possibility was that his heart would fail in his sleep and he would never wake up. Those nights, he would curl close to Jack and sob into his chest. The words "I don't want to die," would be pounding clumsily out of his mouth, and Jack would simply shush him, hold him closer, and say "I know, baby. I know." It was a huge contrast from the nights Bitty did want to die.

Sometimes on those nights, Jack's voice would break as he tried to comfort Bitty. Sometimes on those nights, Jack would cry with him too, sometimes just as hard. He knew Jack was just as terrified of losing Bitty to his health as Bitty was of dying from it. 

He knew Jack tried to stay strong for him. He wished Jack knew he didn't have to.

_Let me raise you up_  
_Let me be your love_

The day of losing Celeste and the days and nights following were horrendously painful. The empty feeling in his tummy was unbearable some nights. Those nights, he would try to eat until he felt like he was going to burst, desperate to fill the void where the baby once was. He would stuff himself full of pie and other baked goods, sometimes accidentally driving himself to be doubled over the toilet, vomitting.

There were nights where Jack let Bitty eat, and would comfort him when he felt sick from it. There were other nights where Jack would beg Bitty to slow down. Bitty would be on his second slice of his second pie, and Jack would ever so gently grab the wrist about to take another bite, and very tiredly would mumble, "Please stop."

Bitty would stop, sometimes after a lot of whining, and sometimes right away. Jack, once more, was trying too hard to be strong.

_May I hold you, as you fall to sleep_  
_When the world is closing in_  
_And you can't breathe, here_  
_May I love you, may I be your shield_  
_When no one can be found_  
_May I lay you down_

Bitty gained weight from the extreme binging. He managed to gain forty pounds from months and months of just shovelling it all in. He started to hate his body, and took a complete 180. Instead of shovelling in all the food he could get his hands on, he took in next to nothing, and some days, he ate nothing at all. He counted his calories obsessively and even when he didn't, he put up a fight about eating, and even more of a fight if he had to eat anything more than a very small snack.

It was obvious he was struggling. The boy who, when presented with a challenge, would opt to ignore the challenge in favor of baking, would grow nauseous at the idea of even looking at a pie. Jack felt like he was at a loss.

He made sure to praise Bitty when he ate anything, especially if he ate a good meal. He hoped that would help, because he had no clue what else to do. It did.

_All I want is to keep you safe, from the cold_  
_To give you all that your heart, needs the most_

Dysphoria was absolutely crippling some days. Some days Bitty would have to shower and get dressed on autopilot, just the thought of looking at a pair of breasts that were his own making him feel sick. Dysphoria was so bad some days, all he wanted to do was rip himself open and escape his body. His body felt too tight. His body felt wrong.

This was another time Jack would always kind of feel at a loss. He knew there was no real way to make Bitty's dysphoria go away, not unless he could magically give Bitty a flat chest and a penis. He couldn't do that, though, as much as he wished it was in his power to do so.

Instead, all he could do was hold his boyfriend close so he didn't have to see or feel his own body, and reassure him that he truly is the sweetest boy in the universe. That he is the best boyfriend. That he'll always be his baby boy.

_Let me raise you up_  
_Let me be your love_

Bitty was a crier, definitely, but there were very few times that he cried so hard and so painstakingly that Jack's heart genuinely felt like it might shatter.

It pained Jack to hear about all the friends Bitty once had that hurt him and used him. It pained Jack to know about all the boys who Bitty had thought he loved, who took advantage of his love and abused him, who cheated on him and manipulated him and hurt him for the sake of hurting him and how Bitty ever so desperately would try to force himself to still love them. Jack couldn't help but feel angry; none of those people deserved Bitty's love.

Jack was there, every time the memories of heartbreak and loneliness flooded in, when Bitty would bitterly laugh about how he was amazed that he made it through all of that. How he was amazed that he lived long enough to meet Jack. He was so glad Bitty lived long enough to meet him.

_May I hold you, as you fall to sleep_  
_When the world is closing in_  
_And you can't breathe, here_  
_May I love you, may I be your shield_  
_When no one can be found_  
_May I lay you down_

There was a period of time, right around Christmastime lasting up until around mid-January, where Bitty could not stop hurting himself. Every time he was in pain, he instinctively turned to cutting to make it better. Sure, it got the intensity of his emotions out, but he then had to deal with the guilt and pain that came with cutting. It was so violent in the beginning that the sight of his arms was grotesque. It made Jack feel sick to look at. It hurt Jack's heart to think about his baby hurting like that.

For once, he didn't feel at a loss. He did all he could to get Bitty to stop hurting himself, usually bribing him with dates when he went a certain amount of days without cutting. This actually worked very well.

And when it didn't, Jack was right there to clean up Bitty's wounds, wrap them up, and kiss them better. He would hold Bitty for as long as the boy needed, helping him not irritate his already pained arm. He told Bitty it was okay, that he was doing his best, and that he would always be proud of him as long as he kept doing his best.

_All that's made me, is all worth trading_  
_Just to have one moment with you_  
_So I will let go, with all that I know_  
_Knowing that you're here with me_  
_For your love is changing me_

Bitty could name so many times that Jack had saved his life, directly and indirectly. So many times that Jack probably didn't even realize that he was saving Bitty. So many times Jack did realize he was saving Bitty, and did it purely out of love. So many times Jack gave him the drive he needed to better himself and keep living.

So many times Jack loved him enough to keep him going.

And he realized he couldn't count how many times Jack had saved him. The number were immeasurable.

Every single moment Jack loved him purely and wholly and unconditionally and truly and deeply and undividedly was a moment Jack was saving him. Every moment that Jack was standing between him and the traumas of a life that felt like a lifetime ago, every moment that Jack refused to let him go back to how things once was, like a shield. Every moment he was Jack's and Jack's alone, every moment Jack was his and his alone.

Every moment he was safe with Jack, every moment Jack was with him and every moment Jack missed him. Every moment where as close as they could be was not close enough, and every moment the slightest distance was too far.

And that, Bitty was sure, was every moment.

_May I hold you, as you fall to sleep_  
_When the world is closing in_  
_And you can't breathe_  
_May I love you, may I be your shield_  
_When no one can be found_

  
_May I lay you down_

**Author's Note:**

> just saying it again but i love you kenny!! happy seven months!!! youre still in trouble for calling me a twink (even though i am but still!!) and flustering me on facebook though. also does this count as one of my fics under a thousand words that makes you cry? because i know its like 1600 but a good chunk of that is lyrics sooo


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